dragonflies and post op sandals

Today I lose my darth vedar boot! I have mixed feelings with all of this because its a step to progression yet on the horizon I still could need surgery and then BAM back to the boot and crutches.  It's a huge cloud of uncertainty.  I just want the surgery already if it means this is all over and done with.  I would hate to start healing and then months later realize I need surgery.  A girl I know just broke a bone in her foot in January and JUST now had surgery... she got out of the boot and everything.  EEKS. I really don't want that to happen to me so if I need surgery now SO BE IT.  hmpf.  For now all I can do is trust  that whatever is in store for my future that it has been already planned.  God knows exactly what's happening... I just wish I could fast forward to 20 days from now to that very xray.  Time will only tell but in the midst of waiting let me not wish away these days but embrace them.

Moving from....

To this...

Not the most flattering but a step in the RIGHT direction.... not to jump subjects but the other day I was outside and a dragonfly came and landed right on my boot! Sat there for a good few minutes and then flew around me while I was swimming. I thought it was strange so I decided to look up the symbols of the dragonfly and here's what I found on this website Dragonfly  

• Maturity and a Depth of character
  The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.
  
  The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.

• Power and Poise
  The dragonfly’s agile flight and its ability to move in all six directions exude a sense of power and poise - something that comes only with age and maturity.
  The dragonfly can move at an amazing 45 miles an hour,  hover like a helicopter fly backwards like a hummingbird, fly straight up, down and on either side. What is mind blowing is the fact that it can do this while flapping its wings a mere 30 times a minute while mosquitoes and houseflies need to flap their wings 600 and 1000 times a minute respectively.
  
  The awe inspiring aspect is how the dragonfly accomplishes its objectives with utmost simplicity, effectiveness and well, if you look at proportions, with 20 times as much power in each of its wing strokes when compared to the other insects.  The best part is that the dragonfly does it with elegance and grace that can be compared to a veteran ballet dancer. If this is not a brazen, lazy, overkill in terms of display of raw power, what is?

• Defeat of Self Created Illusions
  The dragonfly exhibits iridescence both on its wings as well as on its body. Iridescence is the property of an object to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it.
  
  This property is seen and believed as the end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.

• Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
  The dragonfly normally lives most of its life as a nymph or an immature. It flies only for a fraction of its life and usually not more than a few months. This adult dragonfly does it all in these few months and leaves nothing to be desired. This style of life symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis.
  
  This ability lets you live your life without regrets like the great dragonfly.

• The opening of one’s eyes
  The eyes of the dragonfly are one of the most amazing and awe inspiring sights. Given almost 80% of the insect’s brain power is dedicated to its sight and the fact that it can see in all 360 degrees around it, it symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self. It also in a manner of speaking symbolizes a man/woman’s rising from materialism to be able to see beyond the mundane into the vastness that is really our Universe, and our own minds.

Sounds like the perfect symbol for me right now with regards to my busted foot... cheers to dragonflies!

addiction and blue nail polish

This morning I woke up to find glum ho hum weather out the window. It is true that the weather effects our moods. I always like the glum ho hum weather in the fall... not sure if I will be liking it come this fall in a boot with nuts n bolts.

So I also woke up this morning to walking with my boot and feeling exactly where the break in my foot is. It just feels like a bubble on my foot no real pain but its definitely still broken. Is it possible to go on without surgery and it still being broken? Ya, wishful thinking. I just hope its surgery or a definite no. I don't want an in between answer or go on without surgery to later come back to it.  So, if you pray I would appreciate any you could spare in the direction of my darth vedar boot.  Today, I am going to paint my nails blue and it makes me miss my friend Liz. We were on a hunt for grey nail polish (well she was) and I was on the hunt for those sticker nails.... which I did get. ZEBRA. If anyone knows me they know I am into the rockstar nails... well the rockstar lifestyle minus the stereotype of drugs that is typically associated with it.

Not to side track... but speaking of rockstars and their association with addiction... the disease of addiction is just as real as my broken foot. Just an FYI to all who have been making rude comments on the recent death of Amy Winehouse.  Please read my awesome friend Neil Davis (check out his blog and music... brilliant) In My Mind his blog inspired my rant... She truly was talented and addiction played a huge role in her life and sometimes the demons become bigger than we are. It's hard to fight. I get it. I get wanting to drown out your pain in another form... I know because I have... we all have. Maybe we aren't popping pills, drowning in alchy, creating scars on our wrists... but in other things we all do it. Maybe in order to hide pain you focus on tearing others down since you are so unhappy with yourself... maybe you engulf yourself in an artform... maybe your the bubbly person who acts like everyones BFF but in your own circles throw daggers at other people to mask the insecurity you just can't face. I don't know what you do or maybe you don't do anything. I just become angry at hearing how people who attack celebs or even friends on their struggles and won't face their own. It's pretty annoying hearing... oh that could have been prevented and yadda yadda... NO KIDDING but it happened. So instead of focusing on the mess or why... why not actually celebrate the years we were all able to witness.  No one's struggles are more easy or hard then yours... so stop and think about that next time you go off in your circle to take a cheap shot at someone to cover your own mask.

Sorry about the soap box paragraph above... but don't you get agitated when people act like morons? They think they are above everything and don't experience problems? I am guilty of it too. My nails are a pretty teal blue... blue means calm... tranquil... maybe I should have fixated my attention to the color before I wrote the post above ha! If you haven't caught on I am pretty out of sorts when I write...  the season of fall to broken foot to blue nail polish to rockstar addictions to speaking of morons.... ya, I'd say I'm pretty disheveled (hence the title) Anyways, I want to leave you with this pretty stellar mashup in memory of Amy Winehouse with Linda Ronstadt... Amy you truly will be missed and with your death I pray that change will come in all of our hearts... facing our own addictions.  Do you hear the chords on that woman? Just gives me goosebumps allllll over.

.:waiting.:

I know I said I wasn't going to go into details but I kind of have to because I am sure some of this will come up. So what happened is I was booted with an aircast no weight bearing for 6 weeks... the Doctor in NY said I was a borderline case for surgery but we had to wait it out... the last of the xrays he saw he said I needed surgery. I wanted to prove him wrong. I have since relocated back to Ohio to heal or I thought I would be healing. Off to the Cleveland Clinic I went to see the director of foot and ankle surgery and he said same thing but thought I would heal without surgery. 11 long weeks later... STILL no healing. You can imagine the frustration I had when hearing this news... defeated in a sense I left the office. 4 more weeks in a walking boot and then surgery might happen. Surgery MIGHT happen... Just give me the freaking surgery already. I mean don't get me wrong I don't want to get cut open for no reason but if its going to help me get back to running and dancing around then please... where is the scalpel?

No one tells you how it will feel when you have something in your life that you love so much torn away. For me... this injury wasn't just about dance being taken away... it was about how I functioned daily. You never realize the important blessings you have in your life until sadly one day you are without them. This could be a number of things... family, boyfriends, girlfriends, a home, a pet, or in my case a bone. A tiny little bitty bone could cause life to come to a sudden scccccrrrrrreeeeeeeech... talk about a wake up call.

Injuries really do suck... they are setbacks that sometimes don't go away in a few hours... days... weeks... months... sometimes it takes longer. The thing I am learning the most from this strike out is that I can't control this. I can't control how the bone will heal or when I'll stop being a couch potato... all I can do is wait.

And isn't waiting the WORST? I mean, its a scary thing. You don't know what the road ahead has in store for you. It's scary. It's dark. However, if you think about it waiting produces some really great things... think of caterpillars that turn into butterflies. They go into this dark cocoon and produce wings. I am sure those wings freaking hurt when they appear and all the while they are in the dark. They have no idea what is happening... they are alone... they feel pain... if they could cry I am sure there would be tears. They wait in this cocoon and go through a defining painful moment in their lives to emerge as a beautiful colorful butterfly. They've moved from being little fuzzy worms crawling in dirt to a flying whimsical creature in bright sky.

Maybe this waiting period with my bones will be a defining moment for me. I might need surgery and that means more time with the darth vedar boot... more pain... steps taking back... and who knows if I'll ever dance like I did before. I am not going to lie... anyone who has or had an injury or health concern can testify to this... the waiting of knowing what's to be (diagnosis and recovery) is scary. You have no idea what is to come... you're in the dark... you've got some pain... you feel alone like no one knows how you feel. The truth is no one does. We all react differently but let me reassure you (and I am typing this for myself cause I need to hear it... remember this is my therapy haha) the darkness will soon go away and wings will emerge and we will fly or in my case dance =)

I guess I need an intro

You never know what life is gonna throw ya... one day you're high on top of the world or at least getting up there swinging and hitting home runs. Then... BAM somehow you strike out and the tower or whatever the heck you were standing on apparently decides to crumble. SMACK your face hits the pavement.

I guess thats where I am at right now... I was finally gaining strength to hit those curve balls... I was finally able to start climbing the wall... I was getting my life in order or at least I thought... then it happened. I was dancing in a showcase in NYC when TWIST SNAP BAM. Well, not really a bam in fact most people didn't even know it happened... I didn't even know it happened until the lights faded and I was left with a hobble and pain. Anyways, I am not going to go into the details all I know is I ended up with a severe sprained ankle and a 5th metatarsal fracture of the foot. Also known as: a one way ticket straight to ohio and a summer of waiting around in a darth vedar looking boot complete with crutches. My strike out for this season. Sometimes you hit homeruns and sometimes you strike out... I guess that's what life is all about... the ups and downs... the homeruns... the strike outs... Life just seems a mess at times but the mess is what makes it beautiful. It's often in the mess where we create, envision, and learn. It's why I decided to start this blog to talk about my journey... my life... my disheveled life. It's unordered, sloppy, and full of bad grammar mixed with run on sentences. =) So if you'd like to read please feel free if not... LOOK its my therapy while I am dealing with my gimp-ness... here's to the start of my chaotic blog... the life of DISHEVELED DANCER.