.:waiting.:

I know I said I wasn't going to go into details but I kind of have to because I am sure some of this will come up. So what happened is I was booted with an aircast no weight bearing for 6 weeks... the Doctor in NY said I was a borderline case for surgery but we had to wait it out... the last of the xrays he saw he said I needed surgery. I wanted to prove him wrong. I have since relocated back to Ohio to heal or I thought I would be healing. Off to the Cleveland Clinic I went to see the director of foot and ankle surgery and he said same thing but thought I would heal without surgery. 11 long weeks later... STILL no healing. You can imagine the frustration I had when hearing this news... defeated in a sense I left the office. 4 more weeks in a walking boot and then surgery might happen. Surgery MIGHT happen... Just give me the freaking surgery already. I mean don't get me wrong I don't want to get cut open for no reason but if its going to help me get back to running and dancing around then please... where is the scalpel?

No one tells you how it will feel when you have something in your life that you love so much torn away. For me... this injury wasn't just about dance being taken away... it was about how I functioned daily. You never realize the important blessings you have in your life until sadly one day you are without them. This could be a number of things... family, boyfriends, girlfriends, a home, a pet, or in my case a bone. A tiny little bitty bone could cause life to come to a sudden scccccrrrrrreeeeeeeech... talk about a wake up call.

Injuries really do suck... they are setbacks that sometimes don't go away in a few hours... days... weeks... months... sometimes it takes longer. The thing I am learning the most from this strike out is that I can't control this. I can't control how the bone will heal or when I'll stop being a couch potato... all I can do is wait.

And isn't waiting the WORST? I mean, its a scary thing. You don't know what the road ahead has in store for you. It's scary. It's dark. However, if you think about it waiting produces some really great things... think of caterpillars that turn into butterflies. They go into this dark cocoon and produce wings. I am sure those wings freaking hurt when they appear and all the while they are in the dark. They have no idea what is happening... they are alone... they feel pain... if they could cry I am sure there would be tears. They wait in this cocoon and go through a defining painful moment in their lives to emerge as a beautiful colorful butterfly. They've moved from being little fuzzy worms crawling in dirt to a flying whimsical creature in bright sky.

Maybe this waiting period with my bones will be a defining moment for me. I might need surgery and that means more time with the darth vedar boot... more pain... steps taking back... and who knows if I'll ever dance like I did before. I am not going to lie... anyone who has or had an injury or health concern can testify to this... the waiting of knowing what's to be (diagnosis and recovery) is scary. You have no idea what is to come... you're in the dark... you've got some pain... you feel alone like no one knows how you feel. The truth is no one does. We all react differently but let me reassure you (and I am typing this for myself cause I need to hear it... remember this is my therapy haha) the darkness will soon go away and wings will emerge and we will fly or in my case dance =)