...and when the dark storms continue to cloud our visions of hope and of change sometimes we have to be reminded that...

um....

Ever allow someone to just get under your skin? I know everyone says do not even give a thought to those who make you want to stoop to their level but sometimes I just get snarky back.  It happened a few days ago... I made some statement about my past affecting me and then I got a snarky comment well why don't you just turn that bad past into some good... mind you this person was from that very past moment and knew very well what she was saying.  So I said a snarky statement back and well it felt good and then dun dun dun conviction came and well I wasn't feeling too hott about it. Yep. I was snarky... by the way don't you just love that word snarky? I do haha.  Anyways, point being I think I failed a lesson that I should be learning during my foot saga... it seems like it's never ending.  I think the lesson is about forgiveness.  I am back home, where I have been so brutally beaten emotionally by the dance world I knew and ex boyfriends ew.  I ran from it to nyc (which by the way it just breaks my heart I am not there right now but will be back sooner than I think) and I never dealt with any of the pain or hurt.  I was just expected to move on quickly... lemme tell you something... anytime you go through a heartache DO NOT rush into pretending to be okay because that problem will come and bite you in the ass.  Well, it did for me... in nyc I danced and got numerous opportunities but my past held me back to my fullest potential because I allowed it to. I never dealt with or cried about it. I am not one to cry although that has certainly been changing, eh call me a softy. I think being home has been making me really learn how to forgive those people and the other night I was given a test and yeah, I failed and got snarky snark back. It's almost like do I go and apologize to that other snarky person or just let it roll away.. she might not have even taken it as a snarky comment and then again I am plagued with the thought of she and those people who beat me emotionally probably don't even give me a second thought in their days yet I allow them to creep into some of mine... must be the time I've got on my hands with this broken bone... healing could not come any sooner! I miss being able to have some what of a life! I do have a life... I am breathing I can walk, well sort of and have the best roommates ever my mom and dad and two lil puppies... I just miss having my dancing and working life but maybe this is so I learn to deal with the emotional beatings for good... forgive but certainly not forget.  Move on but certainly remember the lessons learned and perhaps how not to react so snarky snark to the people of the past even if they were wrong.

sometimes all that you can do is...

this song just describes what I feel. thank you kerrie roberts. you are beautiful & talented.

believing.

Well, its October... yep. It's been 5 months since I have been broken... My heart longs to just be able to jump or skip.  Who knew I would be so excited to just skip? The past 5 months have certainly proven to be filled with ups and downs.  This month I have scheduled my surgery for 11/22.  My heart is extremely anxious.   I know I said I didn't care about hardware in my foot but it's kinda a big deal. I'll be put to sleep, sliced, and sewn up with a plate and screw only to start a 3 month recovery meaning february should be the end of this.  A total of 9 months... um, WHAT! This is crazy people recover from ACL surgeries quicker.

Anyways, wanna hear something creepy about 11/22? First its the day JFK was assassinated... but here is the real creepy-ness... so I have been praying and asking God for His timing on my foot healing... my doctor wanted me to wait another 6 weeks which actually meant 7... I'd see him on Nov 10th  since he is so busy but I really didn't want to wait that long.  I rather just have the surgery... I put a call into him and waited to hear back...  I mean come on I saw him Sept 29th and he wanted me to wait until Nov 10th!? Sheesh... Anyways, I had a dream prior to getting in contact with my doctor and in it I was in hospital with a random group of people trying to schedule my surgery and on a notepad they had me down for 11/22.  I woke up, I thought that is INSANE I am not waiting til 11/22.... no way that's too far. I finally got in touch with my doctor and since he is so busy the soonest they can take me is 11/22! Um, WHAT? I nearly dropped the phone.  I am still going to see him on Nov 10th and then we will do pre op discussion.  Now call me crazy but in my heart and soul I believe that something good is going to happen at this next appointment. There is power in prayer and boy, have I ever been praying.  Surgery isn't the worse thing that could happen though so I am fully prepared for it.  I know sometimes God doesn't answers our prayers... sometimes the answers are not what we want to hear so we can learn something... not sometimes but always.  No matter the situation there is always a lesson to learn... a silver lining with every cloud we just don't see it right away and sometimes the answers we think aren't the right answers end up pushing our lives and perspectives in the right direction.  Still believing I am not gonna need that scalpel but if I do I am fully embracing that it's God's plan for my life even with it on the OR board =)  The next post will say "NO SURGERY... HEALING." 

*believing*