Ever miss something so bad it made your heart hurt? You had that thing, that person for years... years it brought you joy, frustration, happiness, a way to express yourself, tears, some jealousy from others and maybe even yourself.  It was your outlet... your sense of security even though it may have given you a lot of your insecurities... but it became your passion... your hearts dream.

I'm missing that thing today... real bad.  Maybe it will come back, maybe it won't. Either way I miss it today and my heart aches.  If you have that thing or person today don't take it for granted because you never know when it can be taken away. I guess I also need to remember this...

.more love, less self. more faith, less worry.

My heart has been going through a remolding process ever since my broken foot saga (which by the way continues on but one day I will be happy to post about successfully overcoming it) in the meantime, I'll just blog about my disheveled life.  Yesterday, I had downtime during my babysitting because of a playdate... 2 hrs to be exact... 2 hrs of unexpected free time but with nothing to do.  I went back and forth  and was about to go shopping when I decided for some reason to go off to starbucks.  On my way I came across Sonya.  A homeless women in her 30s on the streets... I decided to have coffee with her.  I learned about her story and to type it all would just be too lengthy but she was just happy to have some coffee and a person to talk with.  I am not sure if I will ever see her again but I know my life became brighter yesterday.  After, I got off work another thing happened... an old man from mt sinai, clearly sick was hobbling along the upper west side trying to hail a cab.  He called for my attention... he was shaking and looked like he was coming off painkillers.  He showed me papers and ID... he was looking for the AIDS center downtown.  He was gay and looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked if I could help.  He quickly shared how he was from San Francisco. My heart broke.  I felt uncomfortable yet had to respond.... hailed a cab and gave the driver money and off he went.

I spent a lot of money yesterday and kind of had a panic... you see I am not that financially set being an artist and not to mention my foot keeping me broken (literally and financially) this past year.  I knew in my heart I had to help those people yesterday but then I immediately worried.  Today, at work when I got paid I counted to think how much I'd have for the week and then the family asked me to come an extra day! An extra day that will give me double what I gave yesterday... Crazy, how God works right? He always provides and gives back... When we are faithful we receive... I can't wait to see 2012 unfold more... more love, less self. more faith, less worry.

No one tells you that your 20s are going to be stressful/annoying.  In high school, I always thought... I can't wait for my 20s to be independent and free... no one warns you of the crazy bills, finding health insurance on your own and how figuring out what to do with your life actually sucks. On top of it all, people trying to tell you what they think you should be doing.

Side note: I moved back to NYC and I am so SO alive.  I can't tell you how much I feel alive... being here awakens my soul... I feel connected and fulfilled with the people, the energy, and the community I am beginning to become apart of.  People who used to be such a huge part of my life are being put down to the right place.  I was so consumed with approval that in trying to find that approval I became lost... but now I'm found again.

Back to my 20s sucking... um, what do you do when your heart wants you to do something else but youre being screamed at about finances and health insurances and told what to do with your life? So frustrating... give me a break I have been off a year broken and I need some time to figure out everything.

Life is a constant season of trust...  trust that God will do what He says He will for my life... praying for breakthroughs... 2012 let's go.

heart day

.faith.

faith... confidence and trust.  I used to think I had so much faith... my faith was strong but when I looked at the definition of faith... I realize that maybe I don't have so much.  Faith is having confidence and trust that whatever you believe is going to be your backbone to get ya through... but it comes down to two words... confidence and trust.  I recently had a dream that I had a baby...  I didn't know the baby daddy and never recalled being pregnant or having sex and I wanted to give it up for adoption.  I woke up disturbed and full of anxiety, it was so real.  I can't imagine what teen moms have to go through... WOW more credit to them.  Instead of fluffing off the dream, I of course researched what it meant.  I found this on yahoo answers, probably not the most credible HA!


 it is the privileges of women to have pregnancy dream. It symbolizes heavy responsibilities. 

You may be feeling doubtful about things you are to do in reality. You may be having some sort of challenges or task to do. However, you may feel not courageous enough to accept. Projecting deciding to give it up for adoption may reflect the feeling of low self confidence.

You are feeling uncertain, conflict and struggle about certain task in life. Dreaming of pregnancy is a vent out of your feeling of how things are to be handled. Basically, you feel tough in making certain decision, and they are all related to task and responsibilities you may be facing recently and you vent it all out in this dream


wow.. low self confidence and not courageous enough to accept. Accept what? Accept the challenges of my foot saga?  Maybe I don't have the faith... trust and confidence that the situation is really going to be ok and I will be fully healed.  Ever feel that way? You know it's going to be okay deep down but then a part of you just wants to hold onto what if?  It's like when you've had your heartbroken... you want to move on quickly but a part of you wants to hold onto that person.  You want to get on with your life but for some reason you keep burying your face in the pillows and tears trying to hold on. You don't really have faith... trust and confidence that someone else will come around. You want to have faith so badly but something inside of you revolts to the worse case of never finding someone or a situation never ending.  I looked at my last blog and saw... I'm healing... but I'm nervous...  maybe I should have gotten surgery.  Surgery doesn't always fix things and knowing my track record it probably wouldn't have helped in this time frame.  I truly believe this broken bone served a HUGE purpose... I see glimpses of it now but I believe in the future I'll see more. So for now here's to solid firm faith... trust and confidence  that the next post regarding my recovery will prove my Faith has o.v.e.r.c.o.m.e

2012... and I am healing still! I am not sure what to think of my last xray... the bone shows healing in two spots and there is a gap.  My doctor has said that is all its going to heal and basically Ishould go back to life and dancing.  I am excited yet nervous.  A gap in my bone for dancing? My doctor said that people have been fine with this type of healing... I am just nervous.  I am not sure if this is happening because I have dubbed 2012 with one theme for my life: fearless.  Here I am at the start having a small fear... after some mixed emotions and tears  that were both happy/nervous tears I pulled myself back together.  This is the year of being fearless... to overcome my fears... and this gap fear will not win.  It is remarkable that I have even started to heal back in November and continue to heal a little more two months later.  I believe that before I move back to NYC I will have more healing that gap will be completely gone if not just a small sliver.  Part of me wonders if I should have just went through with the surgery... and now I am just confused because really it was suppose to be completely healed by now but its not... it is but with scar tissue but we aren't for certain until I start getting back to activities.  So my plan remains as this... get back to pilates... biking... walking.... start ballet barre once my leg is strong enough for single releves and go from there.... being honest I am nervous I'll re-break something and have to go back for a surgery that I could have had MONTHS ago... but on the other hand I gotta trust this is the path God wanted for my life.  For whatever reason I am suppose to be back in the midwest for a year and still not fully healed or healed the correct way lol  Time will only tell but until then I smack the gap in the face believing I will dance again with a gap thats rock solid tissue or bone.

I have finally started PT... I am in my third week. I never realized how much I took for granted with my foot... I mean it was 6 months since I moved them... the first few sessions have essentially focused on toe wiggles.  I can't believe how stiff my toes have gotten.  My PT is happy with my progress... I still can't releve my calf muscles are way too week and my big toe joint is still quite limited.  I will keep pushing through this... My plan is that by May/June I will be recovered enough to move back to NYC and continue dancing for exercise.  I am not sure what that will look like but that's my plan.

I have been rather discouraged because a lot of people in my life are telling me to give up on dancing all together. I have dabbled with the thought of this but have you ever felt like some people are simply saying things just because they don't want to see you succeed or even be around them for competition? It's really petty when I think about it.  What is not okay is when people give you their opinion with the wrong motivation and not with your best interest in mind only theirs.

I guess it just teaches me not to be like that... if I am giving advice with the wrong motivations in my heart I need to keep my mouth shut and so should they.